Big Time

Who made you who you are?  What person or event changed you from who you used to be?  Famous people have their story worked out when they are asked these questions. 

Maybe you should too. 

Movie stars say they felt the grip of the grease paint on the playroom stage of their family holiday productions.  Since then all they wanted to do was act.  Others say a high school play inspired them, a college play, or they had a roommate going out on auditions so they went to. 

They might say they were standing in the bus station when someone noticed them, but that myth is harder to believe outside Hollywood. 

Politicians might say they felt the call to duty after visiting a disaster area, or a country in civil war.  Once they’ve been where life is in jeopardy they want to improve the lot of those back home.  Have you heard that one?  It’s all about helping The People, so they run for office and do Good Works.  Once they start working on re-election the focus changes.

Athletes have the best stories.  These are people with the same skills as anyone else, but who hone those skills into a limited set.  They apply that skill set to their sport.  If they are good enough they make the Big Time. 

Keep in mind that Big Time means something different to each person.  Big Time might be making a team in high school; Big Time might be playing under the lights on a Friday night, or in front of the cameras on a Saturday.

What about people who just want to feel better about where they live?

The Company You Keep

A pack of wolves.  A herd of deer.  Birds of a feather flocking together.  They hang together just like people.  People of a certain age, a certain economic level, a certain marital status.  They stick together. 

If you don’t find people together then you find them straying into transition; a young guy getting older, wealthier, and growing in his marriage turns into divorced aging hipster scrounging cigarette butts with others in the same shape.  We manage to draw our own lines.

Hospitals have similar separation, from the Emergency Room to Intensive Care Unit; Operating Room to Recovery Room.  After checking in, you might see every section in the place.

Diseases carry a  special status.  The Parkinson’s Study Group, the Cancer Ward, is similar to system rooms like the Urinary Ward, the Orthopedic Ward.  The Mental Ward.  It’s all in there.

Fortunately all of these specialized categories go missing in the Family Caregiving Ward.

Also known as home.

Eventually Army Strong

 

When you get off the bus at the Army Receiving Station you notice those around you.  A few of the big fellas stayed with the main group a few days then disappeared.  If you saw them again they were with another platoon after their conditioning stint.  The Army conditioning platoon was a place to avoid.  The other name for it was fat boy platoon. 

I didn’t know about the fat boy platoon until a graduate from there showed up in my barracks one day.  He was a trainee like the rest of us, but he’d been in the Army longer, which meant he knew things the rest of still feared.  Fred White told us all more than we wanted to know about the Army.  He was practically a veteran compared to us.

Fred said he could cruise through the rest of bootcamp because nothing he would do the rest of his life could be harder than fat boy platoon.  He seemed tough, a hard version of what we would all turn into.  He talked the talk like he was born to it. 

During training exercises we found out if he could walk the walk.

Wrestling Powers

IT ALWAYS MATTERS

The man in the hospital bed was not the man who gave his step-daughter to me at our wedding.  The man I shared family caregiving with was not the Commodore of Marina del Rey.  But he used to be. 

No, the man I saw every day was a Parkinson’s patient with dementia and stomach cancer.

If I was a regular caregiver I might not see beyond the afflictions.  I wouldn’t know if the sick man in bed was any different than any other sick man in a bed.  But the sick man in the room was Kenny.  He’s not a regular man and I am not a regular caregiver. 

To the dismay of all reasonable people I was Ultimate Caregiver.  Why ultimate? 

Because of wrestling. 

I have Wrestling Powers.  I see a trips and falls before they happen.  I find balance lost before it’s lost.  Wrestling Power is strong in the victims of trips, falls, and losing balance on the mats.  Those are the wrestlers who’ve seen it first hand and know what it looks like, feels like, and sounds like.  It’s a learning process. 

Taking a dive on a mat is not so bad, but it would be for an eighty year old.  Eighty year old men shouldn’t have to review trips, falls, and balance.  Keeping a wrestler handy is always the safest move.

Someday Soon

A cruel man’s face glared from the television screen.  Probably the worst face in the world.  I turned it up.

From: http://www.crimevictimsunited.org/issues/repeatoffendersdata.htm

“In 1977, ++++ was convicted of robbery and sodomy and sentenced to 20 years in prison. He was released in 1986.”

“In 1987, ++++ was rearrested and convicted of rape, sodomy and multiple counts of robbery, and was again sentenced to 20 years in prison.”

“In May of 2003, ++++ was connected to the November 21, 1986 murder of 30-year-old Sara C. Zirbes.”

From:http://www.portlandonline.com/Police/pbnotify.cfm?action=ViewContent&content_id=474

“On Thursday, May 1, 2003, Homicide Detectives arrested 53-year-old ++++ on six counts of Aggravated Murder in connection with the November 21, 1986 murder of 30-year-old Sara C. Zirbes.  At the time of the murder, Zirbes lived in a home in North Portland, which was set on fire after the murder.  Zirbes had been the victim of a sexual assault.  The investigation was recently re-opened and ++++ was linked to the crime by a combination of forensic evidence and witness testimony.  ++++ has spent the last 16 years in the custody of the Oregon State Penitentiary on unrelated charges.  ++++ will be arraigned on Monday May 5, 2003.  Photographs of both ++++ and Zirbes are available, via email, from the Portland Police Bureau Identification at (503) 823-0382.  Anyone with information is asked to call Detective Cheryl Kanzler at (503) 823-0865 or Detective Paul Weatheroy at (503) 823-0458.  This investigation is continuing.”

See anyone you know on the evening news and you stop and turn up the volume.  I walked by the television and called to my wife,

“Sara’s on the news.”

Happy Camp

WHEN ONE ISN’T ENOUGH

The best sports fans are former youth coaches.  Not to go all Charles Dickens, but the worse sports fans are former youth coaches.  I am a former youth coach.  I like to think I’ve kept a proper perspective.

I’ve sat calmly watching my kid get scrubbed all over the mat on Senior Night.  It was his first match back from injury and he didn’t get hurt again, so losing wasn’t the most important thing going on.

I watched my kid dislocate his elbow on the mat and go into shock before his mother and I wrapped him up and took him to the emergency room.  It happens.  I hated it real bad, but it happens.

We sit calmly and clap at the appropriate times when things don’t go well.  We do the same when things are going better than ever.  When things on the mat are going unbelievably well it’s okay to jump and wave your arms and scream until a croaking noise comes out of your throat.

When your kid is at the state tournament and his next match is against a senior from the current dynasty high school team it’s important to stay calm.  There’s nothing you can do or say to make things better once both wrestlers strap on the ankle colors.

If your kid wins you deserve to cheer like a mad man unless you’re sitting in one particular place.

The Cycle

WITH GENTLE CARE

Ask any family caregiver who’s gone for the cycle to recall their best memory.  Just one.  If they cared for a loved one from diagnosis to death they’ll have a lifetime of memories, but one always stands out. 

Since it’s a family caregiver memory it stands apart.

Mine is giving the old man a shave for the first time.  He learned he had Parkinson’s but didn’t show the signs in the beginning.  Still, he didn’t trust himself with a blade.  He didn’t trust anyone else, apparently, but he trusted me.  I’ve been trusted before, but he gave me the eye, an expression I couldn’t figure out. 

A shave?

Why not?

Love Means Caring

AND THE OTHER WAY AROUND

The family caregiver rolls through the day with a partner if their loved one is married.  It’s a sandwich with everything on it for the Sandwich Generation.  My partner was my mother in law.  We worked with her husband Ken and Parkinson’s, Ken and dementia, Ken and cancer.  I did the heavy lifting and sprucing up, Judy did the rest. 

Listing all she did would fill a hard drive and the back-up.  She set the tone each day.  Ken and I talked about what he and Judy talked about the night before.  We talked about the books she read to him.  Lots of books.  The woman was a book hound, still is.  Somehow she knew Ken wanted to hear Zane Grey stories.  Louis L’Mour.  Stories of bad men running from the law.  Stories inventing the west. 

I used their conversations to reinforce reality.  It was a double dip; sometimes a triple.  We were cowboys.  With his dementia I wasn’t worried about boring him, but he let me know if I did.  She gave the sagas a new twist.  The Old West was never so alive. 

Veterans Day Care

WHERE EVERY DAY IS VETERANS DAY

 

I belong to a gym where veterans carry on the fight.  Time is the enemy, and it is relentless.  A day off means another day lost.  These are people who understand the difference between losing and winning.  It’s not about how you play the game, it’s about living and dying.

There’s a man on a stationary bike turning 80 rpms.  He looks like Lance leading the peloton.  One calf muscle is missing, replaced by puckered skin.

“If I was self-conscious I’d wear sweat pants in here, but I’m not.  You are who you are, and this is me, or what’s left.  I ran into it in Vietnam.  They would have saved my calf but no one could find it.  I asked what happened.  I was walking, then I woke up on a table.  The report said shrapnel.  I got knocked out and woke up without a calf muscle.  I’m glad I still have my leg.  It doesn’t hurt unless I don’t work it.  Funny how that goes.  It hurt when I first lost it, and now it hurts when I don’t use it.  You know what works best?  Dancing.”

Dancing?

Applied Caregiving

IN A WORLD OF HURT

 

What is the common response when asked “How are you?” Most agree that, “Fine.  How are you,” is a polite answer.  Except when you ask a caregiver.  In fact, if you know someone is a caregiver you might not want to ask how they are.

It’s not about them anymore.

“How are you,” doesn’t ask for a fifteen minute breakdown on the latest drug research for a loved one’s disease.  If you ask a caregiver, be prepared to listen. 

Try another question like “How’s it going?” 

From a caregiving perspective, it’s going down.  Ask that one and be ready to deal with the slow progression of disease.  That’s how it’s going.

“What’s up?”

Requesting Care Proposal

GRANTING FOR THE GREATER GOOD

If you pay seventy five dollars a head to sit in a swank little theater inside an arts center, you pay attention.  It’s not a ballgame and there is no replay on the big screen, but you know major leaguers are in the house.  The cost of admission guarantees that.  Who are they?  People from the states largest granting institutions are on the floor.  You get your notepad out. 

You’re there to learn from the pros, to network, to learn to network.

You pay seventy five dollars to learn trusts and foundations give money for demonstrated needs worthy of their time.  It’s really demonstrating a need worthy of the money, but time is money, right?  Either way it’s the demonstration part that gets a hard look. 

It might seem like simple logic, but nothing is too simple, or simple enough; you notice a need in your community, a gap, and you find a way to make it smaller.  Write the idea down and show the folks who’ll benefit.  Show it to groups and organizations who will benefit.  What’s next?  If everything checks out locally, write a grant.  Write two.  Write three.  Find the money to make a good idea a reality and you’ll find people who want you to have it. 

But they’re not throwing it away.

Wrench Your Gut

DOING YOUR PART

Winning cures most things in sports.  If you feel bad, you feel better with a win.  You’re better looking; you even smell better.  People look at you and expect you to say something to help them win.  And you might help.  At least it can’t hurt.  Keep it simple, but first you have to win.

Before a dual meet one year a local wrestler asked me when he should use his special move.  He had a good fireman’s carry, sneaky, Larry Owings on Dan Gable sneaky.  He was going against a seasoned guy.  I told him to wear him down, crowd him, jerk him around, then hit it hard in the third and he’ll go. 

Instead the kid hits it in the first thirty seconds and collapses.  His opponent pushed him back and pinned him.  The ref slapped the fall, the winner punched the mat.  Then he jumped up to celebrate the miracle of victory like he’d won the biggest match of his life.  Maybe it was, but thirty seconds? 

Sometimes winning feels like a gift, the sort of gift you share, a gift others really like.  The kid with the fireman’s gave a win away, but it happens.  That’s the reason you see two wrestlers shaking each other down in the third period.  One of them is going to steal a win, rip a win; one of them will celebrate the miracle of victory. 

Miracle of victory?

Falling Through Option Gaps

WHERE IT SHOWS, WHERE IT DOESN’T

Football on television always shows the sidelines of the winners and the losers.  Look closely and you see players on crutches wearing their game jerseys.  Those are the guys who took a hit, turned the wrong way, or fell too hard.  They’re injured.  You see them and know they get the best care for the quickest return to the field.

It’s not the same for the guy limping down the sidewalk, or the woman with the thick shoe at the bus stop.  They don’t have a highly motivated care team keeping them healthy; they’re going somewhere, but they’re not getting back in the game.  They see the disparity between the NFL healthcare and theirs.  Should they give up?    

An older woman pulls her shoulders loose lifting her ill husband and gets surgery.  Then she has both wrists worked on.  Instead of freeing up her range of motion she learns scar tissue in her shoulders won’t let her raise her arms.  Her doctor says she’ll have to live with it.  Regular living is painful; exercise makes it more painful.  Live with that?   

Is that care?  That’s what they call it.

Care Views

WHAT YOU SEE AND WHAT YOU DON’T

What You See:  In a grocery store juice aisle a middle aged man hands two quarts of V-8 to an elderly woman in a wheelchair, then pushes her toward fresh vegetables.  You see it often when the major Safeway and Albertson’s sit between two Over-Fifty Five communities. 

What You Don’t:  A son and his mom collect ingredients for an evening cocktail party with their neighbors.  Next stop, liquor store.  He asked her doctor if a drink would interfere with her meds.  The good doctor said “moderation; and you too,” leveling his concern with a well aimed forehead. 

“Watch for Tom.  I think he’s pocketing celery.”

“He looks more like a carrot guy, but okay, Mom.  What about William?  He left a message.”

“While I was at the pool?”

“Maybe.”

“While I was at the gallery?”

“Probably.”

“What did he want?”

“He wants to hang out; spend some time with you.  Seems like a nice enough man.”

“I’m not making time for a man who can’t keep up.  He’s too old, son.” 

Foundations Of Care

REINFORCING SOCIAL FABRIC

 A Dream Team gathered in Hood River recently, five people making a difference in more lives than anyone will know.  Larry Bird would have approved.  Michael Jordan would have smiled even though none of the five came to shoot a basket or play a game.  They weren’t there to resurrect Olympics dreams; they came to the Mid-Columbia to help everyday dreams come true.

The original Dream Team, the group assembled for the 1992 Barcelona Olympics, were on a mission to bring basketball gold back to America where the game started.  Too many bronze and silver medals made National Basketball Association All-Stars a necessity for international competition.  If you care about Olympic gold medals, you send the best athletes.

If you care about your state, your community, then you find a way to make a difference.  In the Mid-Columbia the difference makers came from Big Brothers Big Sisters and Hospice of the Gorge, from Home At Last and New Hope Farms, among others.  You won’t find Magic Johnson or Charles Barkley, but you will find Stephen Head and Susan Frost.

America needed an Olympic basketball gold medal in 1992 and sent the best.  The Mid-Columbia needs the gold in 2009 and met with the best.  Representatives from the top five Charitable Trusts and Foundations in the state met to explain how to get the gold.

Who are the top five and what do they do?