Tiger of the Sauna: Soccer Mom Unloads

2

October 13, 2011 by David Gillaspie

One strain of parenting rises above all others. This parent is insistent, demanding, and unforgiving.

Tiger Mom?

Ivy League Mom?

Career Mom?

None of the above compares to Soccer Mom.

Why? Because Soccer Mom has a better grip on their kid’s aptitude and ability.

Will Soccer Mom’s kid learn music with the Suzuki Method? They might, but only after they learn how to drag swerve an opponent.

Will Soccer Mom’s kid score high enough on their PSAT/NMSQT for Harvard? First comes the test to master the half Garrincha. Nail the stop, hop, and spin and the PSAT nails itself.

Will Soccer Mom’s kid find a good job later in life? Yes, they will. And they will run the business as tight as a traveling All-Star soccer team.

A Soccer Mom explained this in the sauna one day. Others enjoying the 180 degree air were either too old, or too young, or too foreign to know about soccer moms.

“My kid is the only white kid on his team. Maybe it’s the area, or maybe it’s the level of play. He’s on a great team, a real team, a team that cares about each other.

“There are Hispanic kids, black kids, and Arab kids. They all have names for each other that cross all boundaries. Names we could never call each other as adults.

“One of the Arab kids named himself. The other kids joined in. He answers to The Terrorist.”

A man on the top bench spoke.

“Excuse me? What is his name,” he said.

“The Terrorist. They all have names like for each other and they all join in,” Soccer Mom said.

“I hope you understand how offensive that name is,” the man said.

He stood to leave and slammed the door on the way out.

“What’s up with him?” Soccer Mom asked. 

“I think he’s from the Middle East,” a sauna regular offered.

“He’s knows we’re talking about kids, doesn’t he? I’m not calling him a terrorist.”

“I doubt it matters. He’s probably heard it enough. It’s like a Texan getting testy being roped in with all rednecks. Just because you talk Texan doesn’t mean you’ve got an old truck with a rifle on the rack and pint of Jim Beam in the glove box.”

“These are kids, for crying out loud. They’re not politically correct or age appropriate. Right now they get away with everything while they learn who they are.”

“Who are they?”

“For the money we pay, they’d better be the best soccer team west of the Rockies. Our coach has the green light to drive them as hard as he thinks they need. Then we drive them even harder. Do you know how difficult it is to try-out and win a place on an elite team?

“It’s more important than soccer, or school, or work; it’s life training that counts. It’s how to survive in the trenches.”

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2 thoughts on “Tiger of the Sauna: Soccer Mom Unloads

  1. Pigeon Heart says:

    Yikes. Truthfully, all extreme sports fans give me the willies.

    • deegeesbb says:

      I get the same willies when someone in sports does something amazing. It starts young. The lessons are in there somewhere.

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