Break-Up Aptitude Test

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May 18, 2011 by David Gillaspie

BAT

The Biggest Break-Up

 

Timing your break-up means noticing the signs.

The following test is a light in your break-up workshop to help find the off switch to your future together.

1.  She’s planning more than you when you notice,

a. Bride magazine

b. fabric samples

c. dress patterns

d. a strange man’s name tattooed on her inner thigh

2.  He’s planning more than you when,

a. he breaks out the Village People and straps on a carpenter’s tool belt

b. you notice pink robes and hare kishna hair pieces

c. his new leather vest says “Ramona’s Ramrod” and you’re name is Rochelle

d. he stops wearing his friendship ring and squeezes filler into the groove

3.  The wrong time to break-up,

a. while you are riding public transportation together

b. while she’s cleaning her pistol

c. after you meet her father who says, “I’m not afraid to go back to prison”

d. while she’s chopping wood

4.  The right time to break-up,

a. when she says she’s interested in another guy but wants to stay with you until she’s sure

b. when she says her real boyfriend is coming to town and she’ll be in a motel with him over the weekend

c. when he says he feels trapped in a man’s body

d. when you say you want a bigger place and she thinks you want to break-up

5.  You know it’s a bad break-up,

a. when you both show up at the same place for your standing Wednesday night date

b. when either of you has to ask “Are we breaking up?”

c. when all of your friends choose to stay friends with her instead of you

d. when your mom takes her calls, not yours

6.  You know you are a bad break-up artist when,

a. you do it with a voice mail

b. you do it with a text

c. you do it with an email

d. when you stay together because you’re afraid to break-up

7.  Worst things to say during a break-up,

a. I never really loved you

b. I’m sure glad I got your single friends’ numbers out of your phone book

c. you ask a new person, “Is there anything there between us” before you break-up with the last person

d. Maria, I fathered a child with the housekeeper

8.  Best things to say during a break-up,

a. I’m moving away and starting my life over

b. I won’t be dating any of your friends

c. it’s not you, it’s me

d. I’ll never find anyone better than you

9.  Your ‘take away’ from the break-up,

a. I’ve learned what makes people angry

b. I’ve learned more about myself, and boy do I need help

c. everything else will be easy after this

d. I need to lose weight

10.  Your next date will be,

a. with an orphan so you don’t have to meet any family

b. your last since you’ve caved and decided to give in to the pain and settle

c. a celebration of life on the outside, but still crying on the inside

d. shallow and awkward, just the way you like it     

Breaking up is a time to make new friends since all of your old friends think you’re a jerk.  It’s a time of regret and renewal, and as the years pass, a time to reflect on choices good and bad.

Most of all, breaking-up is a test of wills.  If the BAT makes you laugh, good.  If you think it’s so funny you need to share it with a past flame, then the work here if finished.

For further advice…

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