Pass The Half-Ass?

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April 27, 2011 by David Gillaspie

The Math: 1/2 Ass + 1/2 Ass = 0

You’re thinking two halves equal a whole.  Most of the time that’s true.

In this equation it’s also true, but with extras:

In an unprecedented alpha-numeric formula worthy of Einstein-level research, two half-asses equal a whole, an a-hole.

Not what you expect, but if you’ve ever had someone mail it in without the slacker discount, you’ve felt the burn.

The cashier who charges you twice without the advertised savings?  The mechanic who does everything but check the problem you showed up with?  The coach with a new training routine that sends half his team to the hospital before the season even starts?

Why not give recognition to those who deserve it?

Pass the half-ass to the person who racks up billable hours on the elderly knowing they can’t help them.  You cheated a grandma, you rule.

Pass the half-ass to the organization that employs situational ethics.  Right is right, wrong is wrong.  Blow the whistle.

Pass the half-ass to the doctor who calls chemo-therapy by another name.  Is that how to sugar coat cancer?

Pass the half-ass to the football teams that know they’re winning with players who don’t belong on the field.  It’s called a tainted victory.

Pass the half-ass to the professor who gives passing grades to athletes who don’t come to class.  He knows the coach and you’re not on the team.

Pass the half-ass to the interviewer who says you got the job to your face, then calls to say you don’t.  You can take it; you’ve heard worse from better.

Pass the half-ass to the military commander more focused on his next promotion than his men.  You’ll get your bird, Captain, just not the one you want.

Pass the half-ass to the former friend who asks you to be his best man because he needs some janitorial work done after the wedding.  He’s the one who bails on you when you ask a favor.

Pass the half-ass to the kid who blames dorm dope for dropping out of college.  There’s better reasons, like fear of success.

Pass the half-ass to the neighbor who throws dog crap onto your driveway thinking it’s your dog.  They don’t know your dog has a special place on the most expensive rug in your house.

If you suffer from dealing with half-assed people, you naturally want to get even.  You want to make it right, or at least get the stink on the other side of the street.

If this is you, then review the opening equation of 1/2 ass + 1/2 ass = 0.  Going after a half-ass might be fun.  You might win.  But you also might prove the saying ‘Never argue with a moron because anyone watching won’t know the difference between you.’

Getting into it with a half-ass will only prove the Einsteinian theory of ‘one 1/2 ass + anyone else = an a-hole’, or in mathematic terms, (*).

What should you do instead?

Get past the half-assed, the sooner the better.  You can do that.

Make Albert happy.





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