FAT: Fatherhood Admission Test


April 26, 2011 by David Gillaspie

Who’s Your Daddy

A strong male presence in the household is a good thing?  That’s the common solution for single mom’s with kids breaking the law.

A strong male presence isn’t the same as a strong-arm male presence.  What’s the difference?

The Fatherhood Admission Test is the difference.  Start now.

1.  You are a child.  Your parents argue at the dinner table.  Your father sweeps his arm across the table sending everything onto the floor.  You,

a. secretly jump for joy because tonight was your night to wash the dishes after dinner

b. save your favorite glass before it hits the floor because that’s all you care about

c. ask to be excused

d. pretend to chew your last bite of food to keep from saying anything

2.  You are on a group date with a girlfriend and someone else starts talking to her and getting close.  You,

a. grab your girlfriend by the arm and drag her away

b. introduce yourself to the guy and cut into the conversation

c. include the guy in your group until he says he’s not with your group, then tell him to find his own group

d. find another girl to talk to

3.  A girl you just met says she wants to be closer.  You,

a. check your wallet

b. look around for the nearest drug store

c. wonder who else she’s said that to in the last week

d. hold her hand

4.  You are married.  Your wife says she wants a baby and now, right now, is the perfect time to start.  You,

a. go out for a run

b. ask for clarification on what Right Now means

c. conjure up every reason why your wife is the best woman you’ve ever known and follow her

d. drop everything, snap your neck, and say “It’s go time.”

5.  Your wife is pregnant, can’t sleep, wakes you up and asks if you’re doing the right thing.  You,

a. pretend to sleep like a dead man until she breaks out the water

b. pop up with a notebook showing the family tree and your contribution

c. rub her shoulders, kiss her forehead, tell she’s beautiful, your baby is beautiful, and anything so beautiful can’t be wrong

d. tell her, “how should I know, this is all your idea, go to sleep”

6.  Your pregnant wife says she wants a natural home birth.  You,

a. ask her repeat it, then ask if you have to watch birth videos

b. ask which home she wants to give birth in so you won’t have to be there

c. tell her fine, one of you will be in the hospital and you’re looking forward to the stay

d. rub her shoulders, kiss her forehead, and say, “I’ll be right here”

7.  After the birth the doctor asks you to cut the umbilical cord.  You,

a. pass out in a chair

b. whip out your blade and start sawing

c. grab the cord in both hands and start chewing

d. take the scissors offered and cut the cord, surprised at how tough it is      

8.  Your wife nurses your two year old.  She hands him to you and asks you to change his diaper.  You,

a. wonder how much longer the nursing will continue

b. tell her, “Hey, I’ve done my part”

c. take your baby and get things cleaned up

d. beg off with a queasy stomach

9.  On the first day on the school bus your kid gets punched in the stomach by an older neighbor kid.  You,

a. knock on the neighbor’s door and punch the person who answers

b. knock on the neighbor’s door and recoil in fear when a six foot six giant woman with five inch toe-nails answers

c. tell your kid to suck it up and start doing sit-ups with him

d. ban the neighbor kid from your backyard

10. Your kid’s middle school science teacher says your child is disruptive in class.  You,

a. pull your child from the class because of the negative vibes

b. find out your kid’s got an A in class with a teacher who doesn’t appreciate all of his contributions and figure it’s all good life training

c. schedule your child for counseling and a doctor’s visit to get the prescriptions needed for normal behavior

d. tell your kid if he keeps it up he’ll make a good wrestler

Answer these ten questions and proceed.  Raise your hand when finished and leave a comment.

By David Gillaspie

One thought on “FAT: Fatherhood Admission Test

  1. […] post by David Gillaspie This entry was posted in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. ← or do we? The Errant […]

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