MAT: Marriage Admission Test

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April 25, 2011 by David Gillaspie

It’s ‘I DO’, Not ‘It Sounds Like A Good Idea’

How many times have perfect love birds taken it to the next level and flown the coop?

You hear the same thing, “They were a perfect match.  I don’t know what happened.”

Maybe it’s a friend, a brother or sister.  Maybe a parent.

When marriages crash on the rocks, no one picks up the pieces right away.  It’s too stunning.

Remember where you were when Prince Charles and Princess Di got married?  When they divorced?

Remember when Hugh Hefner got married and divorced, then married recently and thinking, “Who would marry this guy?”  Last I heard, there’s still a waiting line for that.  Someone tell Prince Charles. 

So many marriages end in divorce because the participants have never had a standardized test outside their religion, or lack of religion. 

No more.  Take the Marriage Admission Test, the MAT.  No time limit.

1.  You see someone new and feel certain urges.  You,

a. try and remember the last thing you ate

b. start singing “I saw her face in a crowded place and don’t know what to do”

c. think of your mom

d. say hello

2.  You see them again unexpectedly.  You…

a. wonder if you have a stalker

b. start singing, “Some enchanted evening, You may see a stranger, you may see a stranger, across a crowded room”

c. think of your mom

d. say hello, again, with your best ever smile

3.  On a first date, you…

a. get wasted, get sick, and still try for a goodnight kiss

b. open the car door for her on the drivers’ side since it’s her car

c. explain your family dysfunction that goes back generations

d. practice being a good listener and chase awkward silence with sly humor

4.  On a third date, you…

a. explain the third date rule

b. listen to her explain the third date rule

c. tell her the first date was the third date since you saw her twice before and admit that you like things to start slow

d. compliment her outfit of hot pants and a tube top

5.  When you meet her friends, you

a. check out the ladies for future dating prospects  

b. ask the guys if they’ve slept with your girl, or know anyone who has

c. say, with your best manners, “Nice to meet you” 

d. ask your girl, “where did you meet these people, the circus?”

6.  When she meets your friends,

a. make sure Lady Gaga’s ‘Bad Romance’ plays on a loop for a good laugh

b. tell the guys to postpone their locker room routines

c. keep an eye on the guy who always tries to steal girls away

d. make it a group-date setting

7.  When you both go to a professional basketball game

a. her knowledge of their private lives goes beyond the program on both teams

b. she updates her fantasy league teams all night

c. she explains the Triangle Offense and compares it to the Double Post offense

d. you both cheer at the right time for the right team

8.  When you meet her family,

a. her father says, “treat my girl well because I’m not afraid to go to prison again” 

b. her mother says, “If there’s any more like you at home, I want to know” then pours you a drink

c. her brother says, “I don’t know why I have to meet everyone she drags home”

d. her sister says, “if things don’t work our with you two, call me”

9.  When she meets your family,

a. they welcome her as if you’ve been married for years

b. they mention how much nicer she is than your last girlfriend

c. she jumps in and starts helping your mom in the kitchen

d. she does jello shots with your dad

10. When you propose, you

a. take her to bridge, ask her to marry you, and threaten to jump if she says no

b. take her to the beach, ask her to marry you, and threaten to walk to Hawaii if she says no

c. tell her you want to share a life together because that’s the only one you can imagine since you’ve known her

d. tell her she’s the best thing that ever happened to you and you think it’ll get better if you get married

Raise your hand when you finish.

By David Gillaspie


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