Sauna Difference 9

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April 14, 2011 by David Gillaspie

It’s Hot Because It’s Supposed To Be Hot

A lovely woman explained her situation to the sauna ladies.

“I need a nerd,” she said.

One of the regulars opened the sauna door and slipped in so fast it seems like he was already there before he got there.

“I mean, I go out and it’s no problem meeting guys,” she continued, “but they’re not the guys I want to meet.  It’s like I’ve grown beyond the meat market.”

A woman on the top bench, the hot seat, nodded her head.

“Yes, today you must be careful.  Do you drink alcohol when you meet new men?” she asked.

“If it’s a bar I do.”

“You cannot meet responsible people in a bar.  If you are drunk, they know how to take advantage.”

The young woman toweled sweat off her face.  She looked like Muriel Hemingway during her movie star days.

“I’m not drunk,” she said.  “I enjoy having a drink.”

“Yes, but these men, they see you drinking and buy you more drinks.  Before you know it they are walking you to your car, except it’s their car instead.”

“So I shouldn’t drink?”

“You should know that you reap what you sow.”

“I appreciate your help, but I’m looking for a good man, not an Amish farmer.”

One of the women left, swinging the sauna door wide open and letting it shut by itself.  Everyone inside yelled in a chorus, “SHUT THE DOOR,” then laughed.

“So who is a special man to you?” another woman asked.

“Well, I’m dating a man, but he drops hints that he doesn’t want me dating anyone else.”

“What sort of hints.”

“He asked if I was dating anyone else, because he said he wasn’t.”

“And you are?”

“I’m a single mom.  I don’t plan on being a single mom the rest of my life.  And I work long hours.  If I want a good time, I don’t want to wait on someone else’s schedule.  Mine is tight enough.”

“Do you meet these men in church?”


“At family events?”


“Where, then?”“Online.  I meet them online.”

“This online is a social club?”

“It’s the internet.”

“The internet?  That is more than a place for pornography and revolution?”

A man stood and started a stretching routine.

“You meet people.  You’ve heard of facebook?”

“You meet these men on facebook?  Are they married and looking for a souse?”

“Do you mean spouse?”

“Not if they are married.”

“They’re not married.”

“You don’t know that.”

“Here’s what I know:  we’re in the sauna and we’re talking.  It’s what we do.  What we don’t do is call each other drunken whores headed to hell.  Okay?  I’m dating an astronaut and a man in sales, okay?  It means I have as active a social life as I can with my job and family.”

“Single mom is not a family.”

“It is here and it is now.  That’s what I know.  That, and not to judge others the way you do.”

The man stopped stretching and sat down.

“I think you know the right thing to do,” he said.

The women ignored him, except the single mom.

“What is the right thing?” she asked.

“Find some loser with a good job and no baggage.  Build him up so he feels special and every time he doesn’t do what you ask, take him down a notch.”

He held up his thumb and said, “Find a man who fits under this and push him down.  Then let him up and push him down again.  He’ll learn to listen better.”

“How do I do that?”

The man started singing,

“Under my thumb
The girl who once had me down
Under my thumb
The girl who once pushed me around

It’s down to me
The difference in the clothes she wears
Down to me, the change has come,
She’s under my thumb.”

“I love oldies,” the single mom smiled.

“Rolling Stones,” another woman said.  “Bad music.”

“It’s not an oldie, it’s classic rock, and there’s more,

Under my thumb
The squirmin’ dog who’s just had her day
Under my thumb
A girl who has just changed her ways

It’s down to me, yes it is
The way she does just what she’s told
Down to me, the change has come
She’s under my thumb
Ah, ah, say it’s alright.”

“It’s not alright,” one of the women said.

The man kept singing.

“Under my thumb
A siamese cat of a girl
Under my thumb
She’s the sweetest, hmmm, pet in the world

It’s down to me
The way she talks when she’s spoken to
Down to me, the change has come,
She’s under my thumb
Ah, take it easy babe

It’s down to me, oh yeah
The way she talks when she’s spoken to
Down to me, the change has come,
She’s under my thumb
Yeah, it feels alright

Under my thumb
Her eyes are just kept to herself
Under my thumb, well I
I can still look at someone else

It’s down to me, oh that’s what I said
The way she talks when she’s spoken to
Down to me, the change has come,
She’s under my thumb
Say, it’s alright.” 

“So I need to find a man to put under my thumb?”

“Make a bad boy better and he’ll see himself as the man he ought to be through you.”

“That sounds easy.”

“Hardest thing in the world, but look at yourself.  You could do it.”

The other women shake their heads.

By David Gillaspie


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