Testing, Testing, Is America On?

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April 7, 2011 by David Gillaspie

How smart are we?  Smart enough to be born here.

Ellis Island behind Lady Liberty

The questions below are part of the Naturalization Self Test, the answers are not.

In the 21st Century, inquiring citizens-to-be need a higher standard.

This isn’t Teddy Roosevelt’s America.

Let’s begin.

Name one branch or part of the government.

The corporate branch.  Recent campaign legislation gives the big boys bigger pockets to fit more congressmen into.  The tax code on companies like General Electric give the big boys more money for their purchases.

What’s good for GE is good for…?

Why do some states have more Representatives than other states?

Some states have better Representatives than other states who then load up the House to keep it balanced.  It’s not as much the difference between Left and Right as it is Sense and Nonsense.

Why does the flag have 50 stars? 

Because statehood stars for Guam and Puerto Rico would make Hawaii feel blue.  No one wants to cut in on the Island State’s dance, not Rhode Island or Long Island. 

Who does a U.S. Senator represent?

According to The Godfather, they represent the usual graft and corruption until they wake up next to a dead hooker, then they represent the Corleone Family.

Name one state that borders Canada.

West Dakota.  Some call it eastern Montana.  For those in Vancouver, the closest state of mind is Amsterdam.

What was one important thing that Abraham Lincoln did?

He shaved his moustache and left his beard, a small step for a man, but a huge leap for man-scaping.

What does the President’s Cabinet do?

Ordinarily the President’s men shine the cabinet, but in some cases the Cabinet shines the men.  You’d shine too with the free booze in that cabinet. 

What is the “rule of law”?

Like all rules, they are made to be broken.  See first question.  Then go straight to jail, do not pass Go and collect $200.

What is one reason colonists came to America?

Like Columbus before them, the colonists were lost.  They dodged the edge of the world and aimed for sunny Caribbean beaches, then washed up on Plymouth Rock, too tired and hungry to move again.

What do we show loyalty to when we say the Pledge of Allegiance?

This is a tough one for people involved in war crimes, atrocities, and ethnic cleansing in their home countries.  How can they show allegiance to anything but the region that encouraged them to run wild? 

If they see a Charlie Sheen concert before they become citizens it will be an even harder question to answer.  (hint: Charlie Sheen is not the answer.)

What is the capital of the United States? 

The dollar bill, which is what corporate campaign contributions use to send people to Washington, D.C.  See first question.  

What is one promise you make when you become a United States citizen?

That you will not age gracefully.  That you will use every injectable, surgical procedure, and every bag of available silicon to look as youthful as you feel in your heart.  Age is just a number, your doctor’s number.

Name one war fought by the United States in the 1800s.

Great Sioux War.  Blackhawk War.  Creek War.  Seminole War.  Apache War.  Modoc War.  Yakima War.  Cayuse War.  Rogue River War.  Nez Perce War.  Colorado War. 

After the Civil War it was hard to put a gun down.

During the Cold War, what was the main concern of the United States?

Keeping enough small Hot Wars on the back burner, like Korea and Vietnam, to avoid a planetary throw down with nuclear arms. 

What is the highest court in the United States?

District Court, Leadville, Colorado.  Elevation: 10,152 ft. 

New citizens must pass the Naturalization Test given by the U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services.

Newsweek did a poll that showed new people got more right answers than people born here.

Ask yourself this, do you want to fall further down the smart ladder?  Either start studying, or give tests with bogus answers to your friends applying for citizenship.

If you want the tallest building in town, try building it, or tear down others until yours is the last one standing.

Which one do you do best?  Which one can you live with?  Plan accordingly. 



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