The Rooney Awards

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March 5, 2011 by David Gillaspie

Mickey at 90, or 88

Hollywood legend Mickey Rooney discussed elder abuse before Congress, using himself as a prime example.

He came across in a way you may have seen before, an angry old man with reason to be angry.  The photo above is from a happy time, though it’s hard to tell the difference.

If you are an older man or woman you probably have good reason to be angry, too.  Is it a circumstance or a choice?  If it’s a matter of choice, choose something else, especially if you’ve been married eight times.

Why?

On February 16, 2011, Rooney was granted a temporary restraining order against Christopher Aber, 52, Rooney’s stepson.

Wiki says, “Aber is the son of Rooney’s eighth wife, Jan Chamberlin.  On March 2, 2011 Rooney appeared before a special U.S. Senate committee that was considering legislation to curb elder abuse. Rooney stated that he was financially abused by an unnamed family member.”

After eight marriages you’d think he’d figure it out enough to avoid people who padlock the refrigerator. 

What’s in store for other Hollywood legends down the road if Mickey takes this sort of hit?  Since he’s the first to step forward with testimony after a grand show business career, who else might earn the Rooney Award?

Charlie Sheen needs to step-up his marriage game.  He’s five wifes behind Mickey with no step-kids, but still a contender.

He gets extra credit for accidentally shooting a fiance in the arm with a gun instead of a cocaine needle, but unless he starts marrying women with their own kids he won’t have step-children to blame for later problems.

What are the odds that Charlie grows old enough to be as angry as Mickey?  Long, very long.

Robert Downey, Jr., born the same year as Charlie Sheen, showed promise as a Hollywood legend with drug arrests and prison terms, but he hasn’t accidentally shot a fiance.

With only two marriages, he trails Charlie and Mickey.  Since he’s taken sobriety more seriously than Sheen, he seems likely to age into a future Hollywood role model instead of casualty.

Do guys need more Hollywood role models?  Warren Beatty won’t live forever, but is there a more unlikely father and husband on any red carpet supporting his wife’s Academy Award nomination for portraying a lesbian? 

It’s fun to cheer for Robert Downey.  He saw his dope-fiend reflection, didn’t like it, and changed.  Robert, call Charlie and leave your mirror at his house, the clean mirror.

George Clooney rounds out the trio of similar-aged guys in the running for a Rooney Award.  He’s a few years older than Charlie and Robert.  He only carries one ex-wife on his record and no kids? 

You have to wonder if he’s a serious competitor.

His bold faced quotes in national news weeklies put him in the race:  “I’ve f_ _ ked too many women and taken too many drugs” to be a political leader. 

“I drank the bong water” isn’t a platform to run on, but it is an interesting admission.  Drank the bong water?  That’s how he stays so slim?

What does George need to make a claim for a Rooney?  Walk the highway naked at night?  Rip up fancy hotel rooms?  He says he’ll never get married again, so that’s a problem.  Unless he finds his own Annette Bening, he won’t be a role model like Warren.

His best chance is stealing Warren Beatty’s wife away and become step-father to Annette and Warren’s four kids.  One of them might develop into the step-child from hell that Mickey married into. 

Although ten years younger than Mickey, Clint Eastwood may win the first Rooney Award. 

The numbers are good:  two marriages and at least seven children with five different women.  These are pro athlete numbers.  Any NFL or NBA guy would be proud to claim Clint’s production. 

He may not have enough step-children to hold him hostage in his own house, but he’s got a big enough kid-pool for at least one to go wrong. 

Since it’s Clint, you wonder if anyone would have the nerve to try. 

By David Gillaspie

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