February 9, 2011 by David Gillaspie
Sports Fans Overheating
Once the sauna door closes, the heat rises.
There’s no telling what you’ll hear, but one thing is certain: It’s stuff you’ll never hear anywhere else.
A young couple walks in. An older man has met the woman before and points to the man sitting beside her asking, “So who’s this?”
“My husband,” she answers.
They shake hands.
“That’s a pretty great gal you got there,” the man says.
“Oh, yeah. She’s a firecracker,” he says.
“Everybody’s a firecracker in the sauna. Did she have a problem with the Packers and Steelers playing in Cowboy Stadium?” the man asks.
“She’s more of a Longhorn fan than Cowboy, so no,” the husband says.
“I like the Longhorns,” the woman says.
The older man nods his head. “You’ve got the Packers who beat the Cowboys out of getting to the first two Super Bowls, and the Steelers who beat them twice when they got to the Super Bowl. They’re playing in Cowboy Land and it didn’t bother you? I don’t know.”
“I’m from the Northeast,” the man says. “Tom Brady’s my guy. Back when the Cowboys ran the table three times in four years, the Pats stunk.”
“Tom Brady, huh? Does his hair bother you?” the man asks.
“I hate it,” the woman says. “He needs a haircut.”
“I think it’s great. He can do anything he wants,” the husband says.
The man stands and stretches and sits back down. “I’m a Troy Aikman guy. I know what you mean.”
The silence seems to settle any question until the man continues.
“I have a gay uncle in the family. When he moved near by we used to do family things like birthdays. My wife knew one of his friend’s sister so we ended up at a dinner party with me, the wife, her friend, her friend’s husband, and about ten gay guys. I sat in the living room with the guys who were quiet. Maybe it was me? I don’t know. My wife came in and said I was coaching youth sports for our kids.
“One by one, each gay guy reported on a coach who turned them away from sports. I silently prayed that none of the kids I coached would ever say the same thing. After one time around the room, it quieted down again. Then I said, “you know, if I woke up gay one morning I know what I’d do. I’d call Troy Aikman. That’s my guy.”
“Oh, yeah,” says the husband. “That’s me and Tom Brady. Long hair, short hair, I don’t care. If I was gay I’d be one of the Brady bunch.”
“He would,” the woman says.
They all laugh.
“I told a friend about the dinner party,” the man says. “I got to the part about Troy and he asked ‘What were you thinking?’ I told him I was just keeping the conversation moving along. It didn’t.”
“I don’t care,” the husband says. “If Tom called me, I’d go. No doubt about it.”
“He would, too,” the woman says.
The two men fist bump like true sports fans.
“If Troy called me, I’d probably have to fight through Joe Buck,” the man says.
“But you’d do it, right?” the husband says.
“Only if you’d dump your wife for Tom Brady.”
The woman nods her head. “He would.”
The couple stand to leave the sauna.
“If we’re real fans, we’d have to,” the husband says.
“Easy for you. All that’s standing between you and Tom is Gisele Bundchen, maybe Bridget Moynahan. Joe Buck’s probably a closet black belt.”
The young woman turns and says, “I’d kick their butts back to where they came from, then find Troy Aikman and go black belt on him for not sticking with his family.”
“She’s a firecracker,” the husband says.
The man waves to them, “She’s a keeper.”
“You know, not to sound rude, but I don’t think you’re Troy’s type,” the husband says.
“That’s what my wife says. I’m not anyone’s type. That’s the breaks. Don’t forget to shut the door.”
(Stay tuned for further episodes of The Sauna Difference.)