February 3, 2011 by David Gillaspie
No Two Are The Same
One hundred eighty degrees makes you do things you’ll apologize for, say things you’ll regret.
If that’s you, use the personal sauna. Otherwise, whip the gym sauna door open and shut as fast as you can to slip in without losing heat.
It’s a rough crowd most of the time. No matter how fast you get in, someone yells , “Shut the door.”
One day a woman, barefoot in a black workout rig, worked crunches on the floor. The sauna floor collects the sweat that doesn’t evaporate and there she is blasting through a set?
“Hey, Herschel,” I said. “How many thousands do you have left?”
I thought I’d break the ice with a football reference. Besides, bare feet in the gym? If I went barefoot I’d have a rash up to my ankle in twenty minutes.
The woman smiled and said, “I’ve already done five thousand push-ups so I’m halfway there.”
“No, and neither did Herschel Walker, though he probably could have. Football players always stretch things.”
A barefoot man slipped inside the sauna door in record speed.
“Please shut the door,” the woman said.
It’s a tough room. He hopped up on the top bench near the heater.
I leaned against the wall to see them both.
“How do you guys get away going barefoot?”
“Listen pal,” the man said. “I was a Division 1 wrestler. I’ll probably leave more skin disease than I’ll pick up.”
The woman stood. “I heard about that last week. A woman in a string bikini thought she got athlete’s foot on her butt from sitting right where your feet are.”
“This is where I usually sit. Could have been.”
“That’s why I wear my black outfit that covers everything.”
I nodded. “I thought it was a religious thing.”
“So did I,” the man said, “but I still wouldn’t get on the floor. You got to draw the line somewhere.”
The woman smiled and said, “I draw it at the wrestling mat.”
The guy and I looked at each other and shook our heads.
“I don’t think so.”
“Naw. You’re not afraid of a wrestling mat,” I said.
“No one said I was afraid, germophobe, I said that’s where I’d draw the line if I had to, which I don’t.”
“Our mats were never like a sauna floor.”
“Easy there, Gable. You don’t want to go all science here. My husband traveled on national wrestling teams. He gives a thumbs-up on the floor compared to some of the mats he’s seen.”
She sat back on the floor and huffed out another set of one hundred crunches.
“I heard Typhoid Mary was a nice lady,” the man said.