December 20, 2010 by David Gillaspie
Mrs. Roosevelt And The Palin Problem
Eleanor Roosevelt walked into Jack Dempsey’s restaurant after hearing noise in the street about an upstart looking to make a name for herself.
Before the Champ has a chance to introduce her to Sarah Palin, Roosevelt stopped and took a good look at her foe.
“Women are like teabags,” she said. “We don’t know our true strength until we are in hot water. Wouldn’t you agree, Mrs. Palin?”
Sarah Palin practiced her jab over the noise in the restaurant and turned to the voice.
“Tea? Tea bag? The Republican Party would be really smart to absorb as much of the Tea Party movement as possible. The sooner the better,” she said, firing a jab with a relaxed wrist. “Who knew we’d agree right off the bat?”
Mrs. Roosevelt showed her famous smile to the Champ and drilled him with one of her punches. Jack Dempsey faked a smile and rubbed his shoulder.
“You pack a wallop,” Dempsey said, “as always.”
“And you, my good man, are much too kind as always. This is the young lady asking about me? She certainly seems interesting enough.”
Sarah Palin practiced her jab.
“My dear,” Roosevelt said, “if you hit anything with a relaxed wrist, you will be fighting one handed. Firm up your wrist, or you will break it with your first punch.”
“Let’s say I know how to fight my fight,” Palin said. “If I need any help, I’ve got the Champ in my corner.”
Jack and Eleanor looked at her.
“Are you sure of that?” Roosevelt said, with Jack beside her.
“I’m not afraid to stand alone. I’ve built my career on being fearless,” Palin said. “And I’m not afraid to say it. People know something has gone terribly wrong with our government and it has gotten so far off track. But people also know that there is nothing wrong in America that a good old-fashioned election can’t fix.”
Mrs. Roosevelt spoke to a passing waiter who returned with a cup of tea.
“America is not off track because you say so, or some hack says so. America is off track because our sacred vote was hijacked at the highest levels twice. My husband was elected four times without help from a Supreme Court appointment or voter fraud. His administration won the Great Depression and World War Two. That is a record that stands alone in the history books,” she said.
Sarah Palin ignored Mrs. Roosevelt to practice a combination jab and upper-cut.
“Four times without voter fraud? Hmmm, I’ll look into that,” she said. “Today, the only place that the left hasn’t placed the blame is on their agenda, so some advice for our friends on that side of the aisle: that’s where you’ve gotta look because that’s what got you into this mess.”
Eleanor finished her tea and set her cup on the bar. Jack Dempsey laid a can of beer sideways next to it and nodded to her. Mrs. Roosevelt raised a fist and slammed the can so hard it popped. A barman caught the foaming blast in a towel.
“Young lady, there is so much to do in this life, and eventually you learn you won’t have time for it all. You have to accept whatever comes and the only important thing is that you meet it with courage and with the best that you have to give. If you insist that we fight, I want you to know what you’re up against,” she said. “I have met and associated with the most powerful people on earth during a time when they were allowed to exercise that strength as I will do with you, if you choose. Champ?”
Jack Dempsey picked up a heavy oak chair and turned the back to Roosevelt. She hiked her skirt up above her knee and side kicked the splats out of the back.
Sarah Palin jumped back in a start.
“Why did you do that?” she said.
“Sarah? May I call you Sarah?”
“You sure can.”
“There are First Ladies, and there are First Ladies. Choose wisely before issuing a challenge. It’s not too late to back out. Pat Nixon would be a better opponent for you, but stay away from Betty Ford. Look at Laura Bush for a patsy, not Rosalynn Carter. Rosalynn’s first name is Eleanor, did you know that?”
Sarah Palin looked around the restaurant to see if anyone noticed her. They didn’t.
“Mrs. Roosevelt, I’m having a hard time getting traction here. I want a fight. I need a fight. I need a big name to beat up and you are it.”
Eleanor Roosevelt dropped into her fight stance.
“You’ve heard my words and seen my work and you still want some of this? Bring it on, schoolgirl.” She looked around her. “I need more operating room, fellas, if you know what I mean. I want to able to stretch out. When I drop this pretty little thing I don’t want her hitting her head on a stool and claiming a disqualification. Move your butts, men.”
One drunk at the bar sat in a daze. Mrs. Roosevelt kicked the stool out from under him, then turned to Dempsey.
“Would mind taking the trash out after I’m done, Champ?”
He laid another beer can on the bar. Eleanor crushed it with her hammer blow. It exploded all over Sarah Palin.
“Honey, this is your last chance. That’s beer on you now, but after I’m done with you, it’ll be blood. Your blood. I’ve listened and I’ve held my tongue. You’ll be lucky to leave here with yours still in your mouth unless you go now.”
Palin seemed to shrink. “We need a foreign policy that distinguishes America’s friends from her enemies, and recognizes the true threats that we face,” she said.
“Do you think you’re on the stump with your baloney? Do you know where you are? Do you know the immediate threat in front of you? Here’s the game: You want a fight. Here’s the result coming at you: You will end up looking like a stump after I saw you off. Last chance. Run now and I won’t chase you. Stay right here and get this.” She threw a broken beer can at her feet.
Jack Dempsey waved Sarah Palin toward the back door. Sarah moved toward it, looking at her watch.
“Well, look at the time. I do have an important appointment, now that you mention it. And I can’t be late.”
“Better late than never, lightweight,” Eleanor called after her. “Last word of advice, stay away from Michelle Obama. I know I would. She’s a lady up for the challenge, and she won’t give you an easy way out if you’re looking.”
But Sarah didn’t hear those words.