Modern Life Rules, Rural Dream Edition

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September 16, 2010 by David Gillaspie

When do you know when enough is too much? 

Answers below, but first, some examples:

1.  ====

A hermit moved into the deep woods after slowly weaning himself from civilization.  Joe lived in a city, then a small town. 

Finally he took the big step and found the lean-to of his dreams on a deadend logging road. 

Late in the summer of his first year another man showed up.

“Howdy.  Name’s Pete, Pete the Hermit.  I live a few valleys over.  I heard from the other hermits that you moved in.  I’d like to throw you a house-warming party,” Pete said. 

He walked around the lean-to.  “Would you like to come to your house-warming party?”

“I guess so, if it’s not against the rules of being a hermit,” Joe said.  “Hermits can go to parties?”

“Oh, sure.  But I have to warn you: there’ll be some cussin’.  That bother you?”

“No.”

“There’ll be some drinkin’.  That bother you?”

“No.”

“There’ll be some sex.  That bother you?”

“No, but how many people are you inviting?  After all, we are hermits.”

“It’ll be just the two of us.”

2.  ====

A farmer and his wife plan a child.  A baby boy is born, except it’s just a head with no body.  The doctor declares him healthy.

The mother recoils, but the man embraces his new son.  He outfits a bowling ball case with all the essentials and takes his baby with him everywhere he goes.

The son thrives and grows, but he’s still got no body.

When the son turns twenty-one the dad takes him to town for his first drink.  He puts the bowling ball bag on the bar and orders whiskey.  The son takes one drink and starts shaking.  His eyes roll around and his ears turn purple.  Suddenly a body pops out of the bottom of his head, a buck naked six-foot three, two hundred and ten pound specimen of manliness.

The bar goes berserk and the police show up.  Just before his son leaves in handcuffs, the man asks, “Son, what did we do wrong?”

The son looks down on his Dad and says, “I don’t know, Dad, I guess we should have stopped while I was still a head.”

3.  =====

A traveling salesman’s car broke down near a farm.  The salesman walked over and asked to use the phone.  He noticed the farmer had pigs, one with three legs.

“What happened to your pig, the one with three legs?” he asked.

“That one?  Smartest pig on this planet.  I was swimming in the creek out back one day and nearly drown.  Somehow that pig knew I was in trouble.  He broke out of the pig pen and ran down to the creek.  He swam out and pulled me to safety,” the farmer said.

“Amazing.”

“Not as amazing as the night I fell asleep with a candle burning.  My bedroom caught on fire and I was in there sound asleep.  That pig broke out of the cage I fixed from the first time he escaped.  He busted down my front door, climbed the stairs, and tried waking me up.  When I didn’t come around, that pig drug me out of bed and down the stairs.  He got me outside and did CPR.  That’s why I’m alive today.”

“Unbelievable,” the salesman said.  “But why does it have only three legs?”

“Well, son, a pig that valuable isn’t one you want to eat all at once.”

====

The moral is: It’s all too much. 

You can’t be a hermit and a party animal.

You can’t live in a bowling bag.

You can’t expect rewards for your actions.

It’s too much, but here’s what you can do:  Either play your ‘A-Game’ all the time, or have it ready to go.  The ‘A-Game-All-The-Time’ guy is wearing.  They need to slow down and take a breath now and then, but don’t know how. 

It takes practice to learn the lessons.

1.  Be aware of your surroundings and your friends.  Those two things may not define who you are, but they do for those who don’t know you.

2.  Not all good intentions hit their mark.  If you want to do someone a favor, ask first.

3.  When someone does you a good turn, give back, don’t cut them off.

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