December 14, 2009 by David Gillaspie
By David Gillaspie
Would you offer a drowning man a lifeline? Douse someone on fire? Hound Tiger Woods out of the country? It’s more complicated than it seems with relationships. The money makes it complicated. So does the marriage, the kids, the property. The usuals.
What makes a complicated thing more complicated is the let down. Tiger coming out as a babe magnet is like the first George Bush coming out with a lip reading tax increase. Some things just don’t match. It’s like the doctor of a dying man knowing the difference between two days to live and five years. Complications change with context.
For example, were military actions over in Iraq when G.W. Bush landed on the carrier in his jumpsuit? They probably were in some context.
Is pneumonia really an old man’s best friend? It probably is in some context.
Is Tiger Woods a model married man? Think of the context.
Did he take traditional vows, or special Swedish marriage vows? Did he take the same ones Sammy Davis Jr. and Swedish actress May Britt took? The same as Diana Ross and Norwegian Arne Naess? What is it about high profile Americans and their Scandinavian spouses that complicate marriage?
If he took any vows, unlike Mick Jagger who claimed his last marriage wasn’t legal because it was a Hindu beach ceremony in Indonesia, they are probably viable. If he said the words, “I do,” then he probably did.
The problem is in the context. In America the marriage vows get ignored, or by-passed. Check the divorce rates for confirmation. What is it like in other cultures?
Europeans seem to hold a looser rein on their adult activities. Asians seem more relaxed with extra-marital moves. As a married man in America, I tend to take the marriage vows at face value. So should Tiger Woods and you. If you can’t, then there are a few things to avoid.
1. Try to avoid conversations like Prince Charles had with his mistress:
Camilla: It’s like that programme Start the Week. I can’t start the week without you.
Charles: I fill up your tank!
Camilla: Yes, you do
Charles: Then you can cope.
Camilla: Then I’m all right
Charles: What about me? The trouble is I need you several times a week.
Camilla: Mmmm, so do I. I need you all the week. All the time.
Charles: Oh. God. I’ll just live inside your trousers or something. It would be much easier!
Camilla: (laughing) What are you going to turn into, a pair of knickers?
Camilla: Oh, You’re going to come back as a pair of knickers.
2. Keep the number of affairs manageable, like Henry VIII did with Jane Popincourt, Elizabeth Blount, Mary Boleyn, Anne Boleyn, and Mary Shelton along with additional wives Jane Seymour, Anne of Cleves, Catherine Howard and Catherine Parr.
3. Avoid the alleged fate of Nelson Rockefeller with his research assistant Megan Marshack. If your wife is named Happy, keep her happy.
4. If you come home late at night, avoid getting sewn into bed like Willie Nelson supposedly did when his wife decided to leave.
5. Don’t make your wife hurl like Mrs. Edwards said she did when she learned about her husband’s affair.
6. If you need to go ‘pro’ make if official. Who wants to hear a beautiful woman say she’s not a hooker?
7. If you are The King, then be The King.
Most of all remember which woman to stand behind when the dust settles. You’ll know her as the mother of your children, the woman you married. She’s the one who lights up the girlfriends you kept hidden. She’s the one who will find every friend and employee who looked the other way for you. She’s the one who will call the family shots.
You won’t have to call the ladies to tell them your wife is on to them. Of course the game of slap and tickle is over with strangers, but the wife will have some new games to play.
Love your wife. Admire her. Fear her. Do what ever it takes to make her right again. Just Do It. And have a kickin’ good time while you do it, while you play golf.