June 11, 2009 by David Gillaspie
The ghost of Daniel Pearl visited DG’s B&B recently. He stopped by to tie up a few loose ends:
“For my next beheading I want a Japanese guy with a samari sword who thinks I’m an allied flier from WWII; I’m asking for a French guy from the revolution who thinks I’m a nobleman; at my beheading get the same guy that Henry the VIII used on his wife.
“What do I get instead? Five guys and a dull knife. What is this, a basketball team looking for a ball? Memo to hooded goon: my head won’t bounce more than once.
“And why the long speech. At my beheading just raise the blade and swing. Spare me the load of crap I don’t understand, as if I need some kind of prologue. If you’re going to read something please get it organized so you’re not fumbling around with the papers. No need to write on the front and back.
“Finally, at my beheading, just take the Gerber knife out of my pocket and cut my head off, instead of using your sub-standard knife that won’t cut through cheese. If I wanted my head sawed off I’d ask for a circus magician to do the trick, at least after he’s done I get to go back to my seat.
“One last point for you sack-headed freaks: America is a country that prides itself in finding the culprit. My people find people like you all the time. Ever hear of a voice print? So if you think the guy from the prison is embarrassed to go back to his neighborhood because of his documented abuse, you’ve got lots to worry about.
“Going back to your neighborhood won’t be a problem. After you hack my melon off, go directly to your spiritual leader and volunteer as a suicide bomber. Strap on the explosive vest, go into the nearest open space with your four comrades, hold hands and touch it off. Do it now because that is your best way to avoid my people.
“They are looking for you. They will find you. And while they won’t shoot you in your car, set you on fire, pull you out and beat you with pipes, then drag you behind a car and hang you from a bridge, you will wish they had.
“You see, in American we are the best and the worst of humanity, we are adaptable. It’s a land where Grandma will set her tea down on a doily long enough to run a hot poker through your eye socket and get back to her rocker and reruns of Matlock before the tea cools.
“You are an ancient civilization, the cradle of the modern world, but you have tipped the cradle and things are looking medieval.”