7 Ways To Tell If Your Family Hates You Enough

10

July 19, 2011 by David Gillaspie

It Starts Early (edited after being told on)

 

0.  Are you the right gender? Check early pictures to see if you’re wearing the right clothes.  If you’re a guy and your baby pictures look like a girl, relax.  General Douglas MacArther wore a dress and long hair as a child.  It was the fashion, and it didn’t hurt him.

Besides, if you grow up confused, you’re not giving your family good reason to hate you enough.  They’ll either try and fix the cross-dresser, or recylce old skirts and dresses.      

1.  If someone in your family weighs over three hundred pounds and you don’t, they hate you.  They think you’re sickly, that you have no appetite, and you’re afraid to face the truth.  Turn down a bag of pork renderings and you’ve got an enemy for life.

2.  If you’ve ever tried to help a family member lose weight, and they didn’t, it’s your fault and they hate you.  Why?  You weren’t there for them at 3:30 in the morning when they sleep-walked to the freezer and sleep-ate a quart of Double Chocolate Good And Nutty followed by a column of Oreos.

Don’t ask how they opened the containers and packaging in their sleep.  They already hate you for not being there when they needed you, it’ll only get worse if they think you don’t believe their sleep-skills.

3.  If you always show up for family events, they’ll hate you.  If a niece has a ball game and you show up, it denies them the joy of thinking you had better things to do.  Participating in your siblings’ kids’ lives doesn’t mean they’ll invite you to their weddings later.  They know you’ll show up.

4.  If you graduate from college, they’ll hate you.  It’s the same if you don’t.  Worst of all is when you don’t graduate on time.  Take fourteen years to earn a four-year degree and they’ll hate you for not getting it in three.  Don’t expect words like ‘way to hang in there’ or ‘how did you do this working full time, raising a family, and buying a house.’

Your family will blame you for graduating from college instead of congratulating you.  A college degree for the non-traditional student is more a stain of failure than a celebration of fortitude.  It’s proof that you couldn’t stick it in the first four years.

5.  If you live in a town with more than two stop lights, they’ll hate you.  What do you expect, city slicker.  Your town has stop lights and people stop.  If you ever find yourself in a car with a family member behind someone at a stop light, be ready to hear “I don’t know how you deal with this traffic.  How can you live in such a rat hole.”

6.  If your girlfriend or wife comes from someplace other than your high school, they’ll hate you.  The local girls weren’t good enough?  You think you’re better than them?  It’s worse if you wait until you graduate from high school to get married.

If you play the field for a week between your graduation party and your engagement party, you’ll wear the scar for life.  Having more than one girlfriend in a lifetime is a reason for an intervention and a trip to sex addict re-hab.

7.  If you’re the only one of your siblings with military experience, they’ll hate you.  Did you go to a war zone?  No?  Did you kill anyone?  No?  Then what’s the difference between the military and Boy Scouts, they’ll think.

Is the Army harder than bow hunting an elk and carrying it out of a canyon?  Didn’t think so.  Is getting jacked-up in the pugil stick ring harder than living in an icebox?  Probably not.  If you stayed in for your entire enlistment time and got out with an Honorable Discharge, you’re a quitter.  If you make it a career, then you’re a loser who is afraid of the real world.

Why is this list only seven entries long instead of seventeen or twenty seven?  Because seven is enough to make you wonder if you’re doing your share for family unity.  Do you mend fences?  Do you stay in touch?  Do you follow through on promises?  If you do, then you’re doing your part.

The old laws of physics says you can’t go two directions at once.  The new laws say the same thing.  If you have a family, then do the right thing and power through.

Don’t be afraid of showing a little kindness along the way, they’ll really hate that.

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10 thoughts on “7 Ways To Tell If Your Family Hates You Enough

  1. Found this old blog, but somehow I started writing.
    Just remember. When they hate you, and they do. Don’t buy presents. Don’t stick fifty bucks in a birthday card. Say hello and be polite, thats it. Send a card if necessary, provide the obligatory wedding gift.

    Little kids are different though and presents and love should be sent and given to anyone under 18. Unless they have an attitude.

  2. chris60 says:

    The weird thing is that some people feel entitled to treat you like garbage then become upset when you choose to avoid them. At which point they scratch their head and say you’re strange for not allowing them to hit and curse and put you down. Sorry but those raised Christian were given a self-generating crucifix when advised to turn the other cheek and practice kindness and understanding in response to cruelty. If you leave you’re weak; if you stay and cop the abuse or react emotionally you’re strange. The tactic I employ is to place down the invisible shield and pretend I am in “Get Smart”, chatting to the boss. Hurt people hurt people because no-one likes to sit alone with their pain. It is really simple, and somewhat amusing in a twisted way to be a part of human nature. That’s why I love dogs: at least they are transparent and amazingly forgiving and capable of reflecting a level of unconditional love most of us lack.

  3. Yari says:

    I love it! Lol reminds me of my personal experiences!

  4. dogkisses says:

    Great post and for sure deserves to be seen. I like your blog’s new look.

    Well, I must admit, I have not done my part when it comes to family, but, but, but…. There are so many reasons why. After reading this, I feel like I should do something though, even if they do all
    hate me. (Not all of them do, thank goodness, but that doesn’t mean they like me all that much either).

    They used to say I should write, until I started a blog and wrote one a letter.
    They said I should live in a non-liberal town, until I told them I was thinking of moving back home.
    They say I should try to get paid for writing, because they know people who do.
    They said I should get out and take a class. So I did. One response was, “How long does that class, or whatever it is, last?”

    • David Gillaspie says:

      The Oregonian published a few stories about the chance to apologize. One of them was mine. The first thing I did was call my momma since she was part of the story. The first thing she said was “Why do you write that crap?” To which I answered, “Ma, it it’s in the paper it’s not crap. Unless it’s on the editorial page, ha, ha.”

      You gave me a good laugh, DK. Thanks,

      David

  5. Steve Gillaspie says:

    Thanks much brother, love ya.

    • deegeesbb says:

      Thanks for stopping by, Steve. Here’s why this post got the top spot: the funny thing about blogs are when one post keeps getting lots of hits on their own. I changed the format of DG’s B&B so a top area can hold the post with the most hits over a period of time. This post, oddly enough, keeps getting readers.

      It’s never been unposted, just buried in the archive. Putting it out front makes it easier to find for the click by reader. Otherwise I would have left it where it was like most of the others I’ve written. Some posts earn a longer stay on the front page. This is one of them.

      Emails about this post have expressed thanks for helping readers re-connect with family members. All about helping those in need find a way with a funny post. Did you notice the families I used as examples? The Sopranos and the Corleones, mob families.

    • deegeesbb says:

      Memo to bloggers and writers: read comments completely before responding. When someone talks about writing a book, but won’t because it’s not important enough to them, the rest of their view is colored.

      If someone has family issues, they think all family talk is about them.

      To avoid future confusion, read comments thoroughly before writing. My blogging style is to not name names, but still hit a nerve.

      The nerve that hit me was learning that I was supposed to be a female dwarf according to the military doctors advising my Marine dad and my Marine wife mom.

      6′ 3″, 240 lbs and lightening the load.

      To my readers, stay close to family members with a sense of humor. Bitterness is contagious.

      Pat Conroy sat beside his mother in her last hours. She said, “Pat, it’s hard dying with you there taking notes.”

      But what else would a writer do?

  6. David Gillaspie says:

    Smart bloggers always have our number. We all need three tips to everlasting wealth, five hidden keys to success, eight spheres of happiness.

    In the same cast, Seven Ways To Tell If Your Family (or boss, or neighbor) Hates You fills a much ignored void. Join the Pity Party and list your Seven.

    (think ‘Sh*t My Dad Says’ or ‘you might be a hater if…’)

    D

    ps: thanks for the gold stars.

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